Monday, 4 February 2013

On Sunday Afternoon

I contain the world.

I can’t be this
I’m not allowed to be this
I should be cut down to size, restricted, belittled.

Then comes the relief: I thought it would never end.
It’s over.
I made it.

I was barren, yet now I bear fruit.
Was lost, yet now am found.

Such heartbreaking beauty. The struggle is over.

I shut down.
I tried to keep it in.
I tried to keep it out.

I never wanted to leave, but there was no choice.
Heartbroken, we stumble.
Such desperate longing, yearning.

I thought I didn’t have it.
I thought I wasn’t God.
I failed to see my own perfection.

Constantly feeling there was something to be done.
It couldn’t be here or this.
It couldn’t be now.

Missing beyond missing.
Grief beyond grief.
Utterly, utterly undone. Laid waste. Razed to the ground.

The gatekeeper, the vigilant one
Parcelling, limiting, confining, controlling, holding, scared
Terrified witless, actually.

Such safety in limitation
Such safety in borders
Freedom and limitlessness so far beyond comprehension.

Lost and found were never, ever separate from each other.

Each other: such love in those words
The deep embrace we think we’ve lost
The deep embrace that never left.

In our brokenness lies our completeness
In our fragility lies our strength
We are forged by our undoing.
Falling into each other’s arms
All the richer for discovering there is no other.

Never abandoned, left or forsaken
Never betrayed, rejected or neglected
Such tales we tell.

Then what? We wonder.
What now?
No end and no beginning.
Blessed rest.


  1. dear,

    I greatly appreciated your words because we have many things in common.
    I would like to talk to you,but I can not speak English,I speak Portuguese.
    Where meeting facilitator who speaks Portuguese?

    best regards,
    from Brazil

    1. Dear Rejane

      Thank you so much. I'm glad my words resonate.

      I will find out if any of the facilitators speak Portuguese. I don't think so. As yet, there aren't many of us, but I'm sure at some point there will be someone.

      Love Fiona