Monday, 24 December 2012

On Realising (Again) That It's All Okay

It's okay that I fucked up.

It's okay that I've been messy, dysfunctional, intense, afraid, anxious, sad, angry.

It's okay that I've gone down the wrong roads, had the wrong relationships, cried on my friends' shoulders, drowned in shame. 

It's okay that I've regretted, yearned and resented. 

It's okay that I haven't done better, that I could have done more. 

It's okay that I've been neurotic, obsessed, overly-self critical. 

It's okay that I've sobbed, curled up naked in the foetal position, until my head ached and my eyes throbbed. 

It's okay that I've tried so hard to make it all okay again. 

It's okay that I didn't find the Promised Land or the perfect lover. 

It's okay that I can't do what I can't do, that there are times when I'm utterly incompetent.

It's okay that I'm sensitive and prone to introspection. 

I realise - again - that this is not about changing, eradicating or creating myself anew. It's simply about loving this, here and now, whatever this is. 

6 comments:

  1. Nice post Fiona.
    I think sometimes I tried when upset to try and put it into a concept or block the emotion by using the concept or remembering a memory of knowing everything is ok. Thanks for this perspective in that everything is ok without the concept of that..

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    1. Exactly. The more we can feel - without the concepts - the more the okayness seems to flow. Thanks Joanna.

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  2. Much love Fiona!!!
    Brian

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    1. And to you. Brian. Happy Christmas!

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  3. Hi Fiona, I keep reading these words over and over again as I have been so hard on myself - so to say these words in earnest that "it's okay" really falls into my heart and a feeling of acceptance is there and the fighting has stopped. I can fuck up over and over again according to my crazy mind and yet nothing has happened. Thank you for this writing especially for me, the Perfectionist! Much love, Alice Morris

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  4. So glad that it resonates with you, Alice. Much love xxx

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