-
not that i would have called it that back then -
so
i set about finding people, things
that
might adequatise me because
god
forbid the shame of being less than
whatever
the fuck late-stage capitalism
and
the spiritual marketplace
tell
us we should be.
on
one particular day, not so long ago
i
began to feel how much energy
had
got tied up in trying to overcome this,
to
this’s detriment, and how the overcoming
shamed
this, so terribly,
this being the inadequacy, the
lacking-ness.
this
does feel wholly inadequate according to
whatever
parameters might be applied, and for so long
i
was in thrall to the idea that
something
needed to be done about it
(i’m
so glad i don’t believe that any more).
this
(me? i don’t really know any more) feels utterly inadequate,
wholly
lacking in all areas, totally without wherewithal -
not
that that’s being claimed as a badge of honour,
or
paraded in a look-at-me kind of way.
this
inadequacy – i saw that day – never needed me
to
take it on or pick up its cudgel or
attempt
to correct it or overcome it or
better
myself out of it or
love
it or accept it or or or
take
it to any number of healers or
self-described
spiritual teachers or anyone else
who
fell under the category of
people
i thought were superior to me
to
do with it whatever their schtick was (frankly,
all
the schticks left it untouched, save
for
feeling a little worse still,
having
supped at their supposedly superior cup).
that
day, it was a monumental relief to say:
this
just is breathtakingly inadequate and
totally
lacking in wherewithal (and
any
other kinds of -withal there might be)
and
right now,
i
fucking love it,
not
with some sappy welcome-it embrace-it love-it gloss
but
with a sweating-in-the-mosh-pit,
too
many beers and smudged mascara kind of love
that
wants everyone (including me)
to
keep their (possibly) well-meaning but
otherwise
very misguided hands off it.
and
that day this – my – inadequacy had never felt so good or
so
real or so alive or so glorious, because that
was
all it had ever wanted,
and
it was such a liberation to repeat, on and on,
utterly
inadequate and totally lacking in wherewithal,
and
with each repetition
my
body sighed and smiled and
i
began to fit into myself like never before,
a
yes throughout my being at the truth of this
and
a wonder at how it is to be real.
